Something I Need to Be Reminded Of...

You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you are going to live. Now. -- Joan Baez.

And you can always write a to-be-opened-in-the-event-of-my-death letter, which I highly recommend. Since I almost got killed with no chance to say goodbye one evening almost 11 years ago, and that prospect bothered me as much, or maybe more, than the prospect of my own death, I wrote such a letter years ago. While I was pregnant with Mikro, I wrote an updated version for him, because I am that morbid nowadays (and because the destruction of the Space Shuttle Columbia and her crew, who never got to say goodbye to their families, got me going down that road). Having the letter is one less worry... and I can stand to knock as many of those as I can off the list...

This is my letter:

Dear Mikey:

I hope you never have to read this letter, but it is one I know I have to write. A long time ago, I was in a bad accident that could have been much worse. I could have been killed. One of the things that bothers me the most about it is that I would never have had a chance to say good-bye to the people I loved, to make sure they knew how very much I love them. You weren't even born at the time, so it was mostly your Daddy I was worried about leaving behind.

All too often, we get really caught up in being busy and forget to tell people what is most important-- how we feel about them. Too many people just never say what is in their hearts. Then one day it is too late. I hope I have learned enough from the accident that I will not make that mistake. I hope I remember to tell you I love you every day of your life. I hope I will live to see your children, and their children, grow up. But I can't guarantee it. Life is uncertain. If anything should happen that I can not be with you, there are some thngs I want you to know.

First, that I love you with all my heart. And I always will. No matter what. I believe the soul is eternal, and I will love you and your Daddy beyond time, death and space. I believe that one day we are reunited with the people (and animals) we love. I don't know what the next life is like, whether we look like angels with wings, or just a cloud or what, but I believe that the special spark that makes us who we are never dies. I am absolutely sure that after my Gramma died, she was still around. I still talk to her. I don't hear her talk back, but I know she is here, and she hears me. Please know that I will always look out for you. Even if you can't see me, I will be there, loving you.

Always,
Mommy

Every single day I make sure that I tell my boy: Mommy loves you. You're sweet. You're special. You're smart. You're beautiful. You mean the world to me, and I will love you forever.

And every single night, I say Alan Shepard's prayer: Lord, don't let me fuck this up.